Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness; they bring out the pain and unhappiness already within you.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Truth never creates pain. Pain is resistance.

Relationships offer the opportunity for profound healing, but only when you – not you and your partner – but you alone take responsibility for your pain and unhappiness.

relationship-opera-duet-unhappinessSo he cheated on you, he lied to you, she had an affair – does that mean it’s all over?

It’s not all over until the fat lady sings! But who is this fat lady and what’s her song?

The ‘fat lady’ of this opera is the inner work of healing your own pain and unhappiness.

When you walk away from a relationship, you still take your baggage with you.

There are very few people who love themselves so completely that they are not seeking to be loved by someone else. Therefore nearly all relationships contain some element of neediness. This isn’t bad in itself, but it can be painful and even destructive when you don’t take responsibility for it. What is your painful relationship showing you about love?

You can’t see it until it’s visible; you create it in your life so you can see it.

Many of your beliefs about who you are and your role in relationships are like white writing on a white wall – invisible to you, yet they are a powerful part of your creation. Many choices, decisions, actions and thoughts come from this unconscious life rule book which has been written for you by your parents, teachers and society. If you could read it you would find it written in your own handwriting but using other people’s words.

Then there’s trauma that gets passed down through the generations at an energetic cellular level, so this can get quite complex. The pain and unhappiness that arises through your relationship might have its origins several generations back. It is the vibrational frequency of it as held by you that has created your present unhappy situation.

Questions about where it comes from and why it happened are less interesting and helpful than the question “What can I do with it once I see it?“.

This is taking your focus from the problem to the solution. It took me a long time to discover the real power of focusing on what you want rather than what you don’t. The question “Why or how did this happen?” isn’t nearly as powerful as “What do I want to choose from where I am now?” And our mind does love to get engaged with the story lines, our own inner soap opera.

I am deeply appreciative of the Law of Attraction teachers Abraham (Esther Hicks) and The Communion of Light (Frank Butterfield) for really helping me to discover this and then experience it myself when going through a relationship “crisis”.

relationship-status-painful-unhappiness-loveIf it seems like your relationship is floundering, you are no longer so in love or making each other so happy, you’ve fallen out with a good friend, your once charming boss has become a bully, a once joyful relationship has become painful, what has arisen is your unconscious programming. It has become conscious, visible and tangible. This is a difficult time but hidden within the problem is the seed of something deeply rewarding and rejuvenating. The power of seeing your pain and unhappiness coming into focus through your relationships is that when you can see it, you can feel it, you can make a different choice.

Only you can change your thoughts, change your vibration, change your relationships.

Vibration is what attracts people into your life. Like attracts like, so even though that other person may appear to be completely different, there must be a correlation in your vibration.

You can update, amend and erase the old rules in your book, and create new ones. You can choose more expansive thoughts of joy, love and freedom. You have a very real power and are not a victim.

Victim orientation views situations as something is done to you and that the other person is to blame and should stop what they are doing so you can be happy.

Responsible orientation states that you created this situation through your own vibration and that therefore you can change your vibration and thus your situation will change. You don’t need to know how, you just need to know that when you stand up for yourself, things do change.

So whether it’s your partner, parent, sibling, child, boss, colleague, neighbour, friend – everyone can help you to have more of what you want by being the mirror for your hidden beliefs.

Whenever you feel upset because of something someone else has just done, you can remember that this feeling is tied to a belief. If you change the belief, the feeling changes too. Instead of “I feel so unfairly treated by that person” which is tied to a belief that someone else is responsible for how you feel and should treat you in a certain way, you can move to “I feel really bad about that interaction, I’m going to try something different next time because I don’t like feeling bad and it happens every time I do

[whatever your xyz habitual pattern of behaviour is]”

It’s my belief that creates my pain and suffering, not other people’s actions.

Whether you tend to put up with bullying, keep quiet to keep the peace, become aggressive when challenged, or dissolve into tears whenever you are criticised, all your emotional pain comes from your beliefs.

relationships-you-me-embroideryThe injunction “Just behave and everyone will be happy” , which is an either/or or a win/lose scenario, can be turned into “I can have what I want and other people can have what they want” which is win/win. Just because you do what you want, say what you feel, doesn’t have to mean that someone else loses out. That’s just an outdated opinion, a belief which you have carried from childhood that doesn’t fit with the freedom and happiness you now seek.

A helpful clue in the search for limited beliefs is when something appears as an either/or situation. If I have what I want then he/she/they can’t have what they want. This is flawed thinking. When you are willing to imagine the win/win situation you might be surprised at the options that open up and the level of freedom you have to really be who you are without causing complete catastrophe.

If you can’t be specific about your unhappiness right now, or you are finding it difficult to stop blaming someone else, try starting off with something quite general but still very powerful like “I want to feel better“.

There is never a lack of love, and love is never hard or difficult; it is our resistance to love that creates our pain and suffering, and it is those very pains that we can welcome when we understand that all we really need to do is to make a different choice.

Love is who you are.

This is the message of the pain and unhappiness in your relationships. You Are Love. Love cannot be lost. Love cannot die. Love cannot fade away. Love is like the blue sky always present even on the cloudiest of days. Go there, go into your love and your pain and unhappiness will dissolve.

We are not here to be loved, but to BE love” – Ra Uru Hu

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” – Rumi


images: Flickr Commons

By |2017-04-10T09:18:01+01:00October 14th, 2014|emotional health, personal development, relationships|