Shame is deeply damaging to our community because it cuts us off from joyful living, loving connections and our innate creativity & prosperity.
Healing shame and liberating creativity and joy is at the core of my Liberation Coaching practice helping people to move from broken-hearted to golden-hearted.
How can you tell if you are affected by shame?
Vulnerability is the wellspring of joy and creativity, intimacy and love. Brene Brown’s research into shame enabled her to categorise 3 main sheilds we use to protect our vulnerability. These are:
“- foreboding joy, or the paradoxical dread that clamps down on momentary joyfulness;
– perfectionism, or believing that doing everything perfectly means you’ll never feel shame;
– and numbing, the embrace of whatever deadens the pain of discomfort and pain.”
I would also add the following which can really hold your business back
– loss of creativity
– lack of intimacy in relationships
– seeking invisibility out of fear
It can show up as procrastination, self-sabotage, under-achievement, anxiety, perfectionism, over-striving.
If you recognise your behaviour in the above, then you are probably living with shame; your vulnerability has been shielded to protect you from the intense feeling of being unlovable, of being wrong. Unfortunately your joy and creativity also get locked away behind your armour plating with this kind of defense.
My Healing Shame ebook called Feeling Bad About Yourself …..
And What You Can Do About It illustrates some creative ways to use EFT to heal shame and free your natural innately joyful creative Self. It shows you how to stop feeling bad about yourself through finding love and acceptance and balancing your charged energy around feelings of vulnerability.
Understanding the origins of Shame
Just identifying your shame can be problematic and I hope this will give you some pointers as well as an understanding of how you might have picked up shame unknowingly. Shame is so often linked with blame, so getting an understanding of how we all collude in our shame culture can begin to alleviate its heaviness.
When you download the ebook you can claim a Liberation Coaching session with me with a 10% discount.
EFT is such a fabulous self-help resource, but, as I discovered to my cost, every time shame made me try to go it alone instead of reaching out for help, I just became more stuck and frustrated.
Shame and fear of feeling vulnerable is probably what holds you back from achieving your true joy, trips you up just when you’re going for the big opportunity in your business and cuts your creativity and prosperity off at the knees.
Shame often cuts us off from meaningful contact with others, so I’d like to offer you a ‘holding hand’ via email whilst you read and work with the ebook. You may have found that talking about your shame with someone else was just too difficult or painful, but with email there can be a distance which makes it feel safer to share.
I will send you two further emails inviting you to share your developments with me, and offering an inspiration quote or tip for releasing shame and stepping out into your vibrant life. Also included with be links to topical videos.
You don’t have to reply to me and you can unsubscribe easily.
I hope you get some relief from reading this free ebook. To help me overcome my perfectionism which comes from feeling I’m never quite good enough, I’d really appreciate it if you could take a few moments to let me know what you think about anything I’ve written, or what you think I should have written about but didn’t! What you have to share may be a missing piece of the puzzle for me.
Together we can recover from shame and liberate joyful living with sparkling minds and glowing hearts.
[from the Social Anxiety Forum]
The author talks about what shame is and its symptoms. She does a really good job in explaining the common causes of shame. The most common way we get toxic shame is when we are children. We tend to acquire it through our parents (though, there are other ways to acquire shame as the author mentions). I like her explanation of how children acquire shame.
In the ebook the author (Marian Mills) talks about:
* The defenses we use against shame… the coping strategies that people use to stop themselves from feeling shame. Things such as: Withdrawal (preferring to be alone rather than with other people), Perfectionism, Rage, Showing Off or Playing The Clown, etc.
* The problems caused by shame… such as the Fear of Rejection, the People-Pleaser Personality, Self-Sabotage, Self Abuse, Self Neglect (ignoring our own needs), Compulsive or Addictive Out of Control Behaviors, etc.
* Understanding and becoming aware of shame (which is something I have talked about in this thread) and understanding that feeling better is a gradual process (I also talked of this in this thread).
* Of why you need to notice the reasons for your feelings, and that it could possibly even come from several sources. And she makes an important point when she says: “Do not be alarmed if you cannot yet see the reason for feeling so shamed; it might be that it happened very early in your life. That does not mean it cannot be healed – it can.”
She says, “Understanding the causes of shame will hopefully have helped to ease the desperation of the questioning (of why we are feeling bad and have shame). When we do not feel safe, we continue to bury our feelings in an effort to protect ourselves. This can manifest as depression – literally depressing the bad feelings of shame. Or it can be experienced as anxiety or panic – an indicator that there is deep inner conflict.”
* She gives ways to take action to help release painful shame.
* She talks about how you cannot expect to leap from pain to joy in one bound. It’s a gradual process. There is a section that refers to an “Emotional Vibration Scale” that gives ideas of how to take things in manageable steps and set reasonable targets for yourself as you move forward.
* Near the end of the ebook she gives some metaphor stories which can help you learn insightful things about yourself and think of yourself & things in a different way.
Below in italics are some of the “sound bytes” I pulled from the ebook (“sound bytes” is just a phrase; there are no sounds from the ebook. lol). These are some of the many worthwhile points in the book.
> Shame is not that you have done something wrong. Shame is that you are something wrong.
> Shame is detrimental to health; many chronic conditions are caused by or cause shame, resulting in a cycle that perpetuates the condition.
> Shame is also the emotional issue that is often the most painful and difficult to accept. For most people, shame is that which dare not speak its name – it gets buried, disguised, disowned, rejected.
> Our beliefs create our inner rule book which we consult all the time to guide our choices. Not all the rules in this rule book were put there by us; parents, teachers, peers, media all get to write in our rule book as we are growing up. It is only later that we may start to consider whether or not we want some of these rules, especially the ones that are getting in our way and making us feel bad unnecessarily.
> It is very important to understand that the symptoms are not the problem; the problem is really in all those buried uncomfortable feelings which are still energetically affecting our body. The symptoms actually have an important function. They either:
— bring out attention to the fact that something needs attention, or
— provide protection from the seemingly overwhelming and threatening buried feelings.
> People who feel really bad about themselves find it difficult to learn that they are valuable and good people who are worth love and respect, and pushing their uncomfortable feelings out of awareness perpetuates that bad feeling cycle.
> Joy, self-love, passion, enthusiasm, energy, health and well-being – these are what we find ourselves experiencing naturally when we heal shame.
Obviously everything I written above is not meant to be a substitute for reading the ebook. I just copied some of the statements here because I think they are truthful and interesting.
I recommend everyone click the link to get your copy of this free ebook (edit: the original link has changed. I have put below a new link to the ebook). The book includes a lot of EFT techniques to use in conjunction with healing shame. I personally don’t have any experience in using EFT, but it can’t hurt in trying it. HOWEVER, if for some reason you don’t care to try it, then please do not ignore the rest of the book. The information about shame in and of itself is valuable, so please do not ignore that part.